Posts

Self-awareness

Recently I signed up to a program to help people with mental health problems on their recovery journey. This is a program where the process requires you to have experienced a situation that is relatable and personal, so that it can be healing and beneficial to the participants in the program. 
A year ago I experienced a lot of stress at work due to the workload, the restructuring of staff and short unrealistic deadlines. This gave me such an anxiety that eventually I decided that it was time to remove myself from this toxic environment. Looking back this has decreased my self-esteem. I went to work on myself and understand how gradually I stopped putting less and less safe boundaries in order to prove myself at work so that I would grow within the business. All this has proved to be to my detriment until the anxiety took a toll on me and became physical manifested in a panic attack as a sign to wake up and change something. 
Where I want to get with this is the fact that in order to ach…

Fears

What am I afraid of when it comes to change?

1.Fear of change, being the reason why I don't move elsewhere What if the rent is too high and keeps on increasing What if I can’t find a place so central and so big What If I live isolated from people and commodities such as shops, market, bank, tube station How am I going to have a social life living on the outskirts What if people are more racist outside the center
2.Fear of failure reason why I don't try new things What if I don't have the direct and constant human emotional support when I fail What if others are better than me and I fail What if I don’t understand, who will explain to me 
3.Fear of intimacy, because I am afraid of being hurt What if once they get to know me, they will see that I am not good enough and judge me What if I get too attached and then they leave me
4.Fear of rejection, because I might feel not good enough What if they see I am not assertive, pretty, wealthy, smart, healthy as others to want to stay around me W…

Hope

If I had the choice to live as I wish with what I have and know now, this would be it:
1. Sell all the things I no longer use
2. Move to a sunny affluent country where I can buy a 3 room house with a garden by the beach
3. Have a black sausage dog and name it Toby
4. Make one room my studio to train for pole fitness and dance
5. Stay in the garden and read all my books
6. Learn to play an instrument such as guitar or piano
7. Learn to speak German
8. Get a bicycle with a basket 
9. Be always suntanned
10. Learn a new skill

So what is stopping me? 
1. I have all my stuff on ebay, shpock, vinted, letgo, gumtree and are not selling and I don't want to give them for cheap
2. With my little savings I can't afford to buy a house in an affluent country and don't know where I could fit in
3. Where I live, I am not allowed with pets and if I were to travel, I would have no one to leave the dog with, or it would be more expensive and restrictive for me to travel this way, while I have no income…

Regrets

Today I was reflecting at my main setbacks, my biggest regrets.

1. I did not protect myself and I followed blindly the authority and did what I was told without questioning it. I allowed my dentist to remove 4 healthy teeth, and drill the teeth which had no cavities, but tiny black dots, or white marks from demineralisation. I have not been the same since and I feel incomplete no matter how hard I try to distract myself from it. The bone got reabsorbed, other teeth around the extractions have lost bone and are going to come out at some point. I am losing my teeth at a young age and this fact makes me feel old inside because of it. I don't want metal in my mouth reason why I don't want implants. I want to grow my teeth back.

2. I've wasted 6 years of my life at the same job, sharing everything that I've known and not learning anything new from this company. This makes me feel stagnant and I can't get these years back to make up for the knowledge or experience I could …

Feeling lost

Lately I go to bed late and I wake up late. I have low energy. I plan mentally and on paper my next day and nothing from the list happens. I feel defeated, when I see that half day is gone, I have no discipline, no commitment, no goals, no action. I am staying inert, lost for hours in my thoughts, as if paralysed by my stagnant and sedentary state.

I don't know the order of things to start in order to get the ball rolling and feel back the energy. All that I feel is pure fear of growing up and being alone in the process. I have little interest in doing anything. I just want to be free, in the nature, in the sun, alone until I feel strong again. 

Today for some reason I've been feeling this tension in my stomach. I don't know if is anxiety, stress, nervousness. I have not eaten anything before that. They say the gut is our second brain. I feel this tension as a connection to someone, a sense of call from someone and a sudden cut, a disconnect, like a communication breakdown. …

Purpose

Often, I got stuck trying to find meaning and purpose in life.

Why do I do what I do since I don't enjoy it, nor see the point of it. If I stop doing what I am doing will it make a difference to the world, to my life? It all comes down to being trapped in the matrix and own thoughts. Doing what is expected to do rather than what resonates with me and sparks joy.

In my discovery I went to read books, watched insightful documentaries, attended self-development events and workshops, listened to mind opening podcasts. One thing came as a pattern. There is no big complex secret to discover this meaning. In fact, it's quite simple. Live and do more to find your purpose. Or more precise is to do more of what sparks joy to feel deeply alive. The laws of attraction will apply since we are all energy. What we feel and resonates with us we attract. You want to be in a constant state of bliss. To achieve this is to experience life by doing what resonates with us, our values, what makes us s…

Alone and lonely

Today I spoke to no one. Usually days go by without me exchanging a word with someone. The only time I go out is when I need food and even then I don't have people to speak with. I feel like I am turning into a savage lonely person drifting though existence.

This is the reason I started to write this blog again. In the past this was my sanctuary where I gathered my thoughts and feelings when I had no one to confide in. I find it easier to do my journaling on the laptop than on paper. I wander if this is how life will be as this is how it's been for the last few years. There is no one excited to see me, thrilled to discover how my day was, to call me just to hear my voice. The people I call have their lives, partners, jobs, kids so are busy with life and have no time for my lame story of doing nothing and feeling in despair for far too long. I feel jealous, envious for their happy lives. I am not busy with anything because I gave up all out of loneliness and lack of growth, and …