Alone and lonely

Today I spoke to no one. Usually days go by without me exchanging a word with someone. The only time I go out is when I need food and even then I don't have people to speak with. I feel like I am turning into a savage lonely person drifting though existence.

This is the reason I started to write this blog again. In the past this was my sanctuary where I gathered my thoughts and feelings when I had no one to confide in. I find it easier to do my journaling on the laptop than on paper. I wander if this is how life will be as this is how it's been for the last few years. There is no one excited to see me, thrilled to discover how my day was, to call me just to hear my voice. The people I call have their lives, partners, jobs, kids so are busy with life and have no time for my lame story of doing nothing and feeling in despair for far too long. I feel jealous, envious for their happy lives. I am not busy with anything because I gave up all out of loneliness and lack of growth, and human bond. Why I have the same empty feeling that I used to have when I was with my grandparents. Why it never goes away. Why can't I feel love, peace, comfort of being love and secure, safe. I never had this feeling. It must feel liberating. I want to feel this burden life. The weight of it is crushing me and I became too exhausted to still hold it. 

I can't find the inner strength to get up and fight. My head and emotions where messed up when I was few months old by my parents who left me alone. Since then I have not found a way to cope with the daily struggles of life. Therapy has not helped either. All the self-love people talk about, starts in a secure attachment, the inner work. Mine was fucked up. I have so many issues that I despise myself and don't know where to start, who to rely on. Who would even want to get closer to me? I wouldn't because I became toxic for myself and others. I got nothing to offer except for the lousy victim talk that I got tired of, the quitter and weak person that I am.

All this negative self-talk keeps me blind to the fact that I am not grateful for what I have, the people around me that I push away, that fact that I closed off and stopped being vulnerable, and I am stuck in this mental disillusioned world and forgot that I am in control and have the power to change all once I detach myself from this micro analysing of every little aspect of it. I am free to do what I feel without any restrains. I can sept out of these negative emotions that keep me stuck in my head. With determination and relaxation, with new activities this happens. What I discovered is that traveling alone to new places bring me back on track, by being present. It truly gives me that energy of feeling deeply alive and content. So why don’t I do it. What’s stopping me? The old scripts programmed at a young age in my brain? I can always install new software!! I am the only one in control of me, emotions, thoughts, feelings, behaviours, actions so over my life. What’s missing is me doing more of what sparks joy.

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