Faulty
Sometimes I
feel so disconnected from everything, so inadequate to the point that I think I
came out faulty in comparison
with the people I've meet.
This is why I usually like to open up, share and hear their problems, for
comfort as it makes me feel less alone in my struggles. Though only a few shares
a tiny bit of their heart pains. I feel as if I don't fit in because I don't
even have a single person to call a true friend with who to mutually have a
deep connection and intimacy.
I had my first boyfriend at 28 when most started at 13 such as my sisters. The reason for this was because I was laughed at for being too skinny, with a big nose, pimples and badly dressed. Later on I was also called an old virgin and teased for not knowing how to kiss, until I met this black gentle man who had patience and dedication to get to know me and to make me feel comfortable. This relationship lasted 3 years. My first and only relationship. Ever since I've been single again. For the men that I met later apparently, I was too demanding when I asked for more time, deeper connection, more intimacy and to have the conversation for a solution to build us into a couple, as to them it brought too much drama. I'm told I am too sensitive, high maintenance when I ask for my needs to be met. This made me feel unattractive, damaged and unworthy of love. I removed myself from the dating scene, and stopped even paying attention to men. I got so used to being alone and single that I feel that my freedom and peace are threatened when someone shows a vague interested. Or I feel as if they want something from me such as my body to then use and reject me after, as it happen in the past because of my lack of experience, confidence and healthy boundaries. I don't have the courage to get closer to anyone anymore. I am guarded by a tall thick wall. Men are not for me, they are for better, stronger, confident, emotionally mature and easier to get on women. I am difficult so it's better for anyone to not get romantically involved with me.
I got my first real job at age 23. The second real job was at 31 where I stayed for 6 years. They used everything that I knew and did not help me grow, learn new things, nor offered me training as they did with my other colleagues. This made me feel stupid, excluded like an outcast, to the point that I started to be silent and isolate myself from them. I left this job and to this day I feel like I can't do anything good enough to even apply for a new job. I don't deserve something better because they proved to me that I can't learn or grow. It became so exhausting trying and hoping that now I've given up. I am running through my hard-earned saving and thinking of how low can life get. Growth is for the privileged, clever, and non-faulty ones.
The way I lived in the past was all driven by something, such as a passion, joy, desire to achieve a goal and excited to go through the journey to achieve it. Now I have no goals, no joys left. Why date when it got me nowhere 7 years down the line and I have not found someone willing to see me twice per week, why work and strive when I do unpaid overtime to prove my worth and take extra work to be promoted, and get a pay rise? I don't know what to do that brings joy, and I feel so stuck with no direction.
At time I just want to retreat in a forest and forget about all. No comparison with others, no remainder that I am not loved, unwanted, stupid, inadequate. Me on the beach in the sun close to a mango tree and a small sausage dog. This is the only dream that keeps me smile. The rest I learnt and accepted that is not for me.
This is the negative self-talk that I do to myself, and this is me putting my happiness on other's lap. It is me who is responsible for my own happiness not others. I am yet to grow emotionally to attract the man I want, so this requires me to grow and learn to have healthy boundaries. If I want to grow it is my duty to stay active, learn, practice and explore, not my employers or colleagues. I am the one who needs to do the work and stay committed. This is when the rest will fall into place. But first step is to stop the monkey talk in my head.
I had my first boyfriend at 28 when most started at 13 such as my sisters. The reason for this was because I was laughed at for being too skinny, with a big nose, pimples and badly dressed. Later on I was also called an old virgin and teased for not knowing how to kiss, until I met this black gentle man who had patience and dedication to get to know me and to make me feel comfortable. This relationship lasted 3 years. My first and only relationship. Ever since I've been single again. For the men that I met later apparently, I was too demanding when I asked for more time, deeper connection, more intimacy and to have the conversation for a solution to build us into a couple, as to them it brought too much drama. I'm told I am too sensitive, high maintenance when I ask for my needs to be met. This made me feel unattractive, damaged and unworthy of love. I removed myself from the dating scene, and stopped even paying attention to men. I got so used to being alone and single that I feel that my freedom and peace are threatened when someone shows a vague interested. Or I feel as if they want something from me such as my body to then use and reject me after, as it happen in the past because of my lack of experience, confidence and healthy boundaries. I don't have the courage to get closer to anyone anymore. I am guarded by a tall thick wall. Men are not for me, they are for better, stronger, confident, emotionally mature and easier to get on women. I am difficult so it's better for anyone to not get romantically involved with me.
I got my first real job at age 23. The second real job was at 31 where I stayed for 6 years. They used everything that I knew and did not help me grow, learn new things, nor offered me training as they did with my other colleagues. This made me feel stupid, excluded like an outcast, to the point that I started to be silent and isolate myself from them. I left this job and to this day I feel like I can't do anything good enough to even apply for a new job. I don't deserve something better because they proved to me that I can't learn or grow. It became so exhausting trying and hoping that now I've given up. I am running through my hard-earned saving and thinking of how low can life get. Growth is for the privileged, clever, and non-faulty ones.
The way I lived in the past was all driven by something, such as a passion, joy, desire to achieve a goal and excited to go through the journey to achieve it. Now I have no goals, no joys left. Why date when it got me nowhere 7 years down the line and I have not found someone willing to see me twice per week, why work and strive when I do unpaid overtime to prove my worth and take extra work to be promoted, and get a pay rise? I don't know what to do that brings joy, and I feel so stuck with no direction.
At time I just want to retreat in a forest and forget about all. No comparison with others, no remainder that I am not loved, unwanted, stupid, inadequate. Me on the beach in the sun close to a mango tree and a small sausage dog. This is the only dream that keeps me smile. The rest I learnt and accepted that is not for me.
This is the negative self-talk that I do to myself, and this is me putting my happiness on other's lap. It is me who is responsible for my own happiness not others. I am yet to grow emotionally to attract the man I want, so this requires me to grow and learn to have healthy boundaries. If I want to grow it is my duty to stay active, learn, practice and explore, not my employers or colleagues. I am the one who needs to do the work and stay committed. This is when the rest will fall into place. But first step is to stop the monkey talk in my head.
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