Feeling lost


Lately I go to bed late and I wake up late. I have low energy. I plan mentally and on paper my next day and nothing from the list happens. I feel defeated, when I see that half day is gone, I have no discipline, no commitment, no goals, no action. I am staying inert, lost for hours in my thoughts, as if paralysed by my stagnant and sedentary state.

I don't know the order of things to start in order to get the ball rolling and feel back the energy. All that I feel is pure fear of growing up and being alone in the process. I have little interest in doing anything. I just want to be free, in the nature, in the sun, alone until I feel strong again. 

Today for some reason I've been feeling this tension in my stomach. I don't know if is anxiety, stress, nervousness. I have not eaten anything before that. They say the gut is our second brain. I feel this tension as a connection to someone, a sense of call from someone and a sudden cut, a disconnect, like a communication breakdown. I have little apetite. I had some dates, rocket salad and a banana. For the past months I keep on seeing few times per day 11, 22, 33, 44, 55, 00, 11:11, 12:12, 13:13, 14:14, 15:15, 16:16, 17:17, 18:18, 19:19, 20:20, 21:21, 22:22, 23:23, 00:00. I am shutting down. I feel that when people force me to get back to work and join the system, that I am going to get trapped again and lose my freedom to go out and do what I want, when I want. I don't want a job to feel like a chain to my ankle where I do what I am told and feel like a zombie doing automatic things just to pay the bills.

 Today I heard this and it resonated so much with me. Correlation does not necessarily equal causation.

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