Vulnerability & Transformation

This and last year have been transformational for me in terms of understanding myself from feelings, thoughts, emotions, decisions, behaviours, to actions towards my personal development. 
I have been reflecting as to what triggered this need to go into a hermit mode to have an inner introspection to raise my awareness and consciousness.

It was a sum of events that overlapped which shaken me enough to wake me up to see the glitch between me and the world. Then I realised that I was losing my identity by trying to fit in, when I moved to this new country. A country where children are raised to be passive aggressive adults as a form of politeness, deprived from young age of emotional attunement, intimacy and connection where most feel alone and disconnected, who build superficial relationships in their unskilled search for human bonding and resort to focus on trading their free time to join a world driven by consumerism to fill the gap in their emotional need. I was beaten up each time I was trying to rise. I became them, passive aggressive, silenced, where my main goals were to acquire more objects. 

I have been assimilated into this society where I finally managed to blend in. I became one of them. Yes, this was the moment when my body refused to let me fall and it shaken me to the core in form of a panic attack because I repressed my self-identity for far too long. 

It hurt so much when I finally woke up. The process to rewind each year, each interaction, each person met and understand how I started transforming into a new soulless, empty person until all things that brought light and joy into my life vanished. The realisation of it was when I hit rock bottom. 

Dancing used to be joyful, euphoric and charged me with energy, music gave me hope and put me in contact with my dreams and emotions, drawing helped me express myself and liberate my demons, meeting with new people opened my horizon and knowledge, listening to their stories was a form of connecting by understanding life and the world though their voices, sharing my story was a form of intimacy by being vulnerable, to show that I come bare hands ready to be hurt, trusting that they won’t hurt me by judging.

We all have a heart and feel the pain and joy the same way, bringing people together was a way to show them that they were not alone in their struggles and many face the same, that we are all interconnected in a way, to learn from each other, to support each other, and that we all have something to share to help each other. We meet people who we impact or impact us in the healing and self-development journey. I used to be vocal, very open with my emotions, feelings, thoughts, a free spirit, happy, warm, loving, curious, affectionate, generous until I lost it all to fit in, to be accepted and appreciated. I used to be open to try new things, to explore, to go out, dedicated, committed, vocational, disciplined with my goals, very ambitious, communicative. 

The people I've met along the way, those that I complied to, gave me a security that if I lose my self to integrate, I would be accepted and everything would be ok. I was such a fool. I traded my soul and identity to be accepted. 

This is my lesson to be learned, to be the sole decision maker for my own path, to always stay true to myself, maintain healthy boundaries, communicate better to express emotions as nobody read minds. 

Today I know who I am. I have strong values, desires, ambitions, things that I cherish and things that I am deeply against. I will be trenchant now with whoever messes with my inner peace. I will stay strong to not be robbed again from my identity. The people who will try will be pushed away.