Living disconnected
Why do I feel so alone in this world?
Today I took a core value and an enneagram test and the obvious results came out. I am afraid of being abandoned and I have a strong fear of failure. This is because I lack support and security. At the same time, I am so trapped in my thoughts and so emotional that my inner compass, the direction from my gut, my true self voice are all silenced. Following these, it would build my confidence, but I have no inner compass to guide me. I killed it.
When moving to a new country I stopped being me, as a way of being flexible and adaptative to integrate into the British cold, distant, passive-aggressive, sarcastic culture. I am Latin, I was warm, tactile, lively, jolly, radiant. Now I feel so dead on the inside. My family says that I've changed into a distant cordial person, so almost into British.
In my effort to fix myself I came across a youtube conference about the effect of sun deprivation, and a Tedtalk about stress and depression caused by the modern lifestyle. These two resonated so much that I went to dig further.
Eventually, this move from my natural birthplace to a different environment had a drastic impact on my physical, mental and emotional state. I tried to ignore my body's signals and resisted the urge for going back to nature until all urges signals were silenced. This is went I fell off the wagon.
Apparently, there are 6 factors that contributed to this loss of self.
1. Physical activity
When we exercise our body produces dopamine and serotonin that changes our chemistry which then functions as self medicine. These hormones have an antidepressant and anti-aging effect and enhance mental sharpness.
Home: I used to work 8 hours per day, and the transport to and from work was under an hour. I had more time to go out in nature and run, play badminton, and stretch.
UK: I used to work 9-10 hours per day with over 2h on the way to and back from work. I had fewer hours of free time yet I somehow managed to get some gym time weekly.
2. Eat Omega 3 fatty acids
Omega 6 - Pro-Inflammatory - Grains, seeds, processed foods, grain-based oils, and animals that eat these foods)
Omega 3 - Anti-Inflammatory - Grasses, plants, algae, and animals that eat these foods (fish, wild game, livestock, paultry)
Home: I use to eat mainly from the local farmer's market. Fresh organic fruits, vegetables, meat, dairies, pastry all most in season, which diversified my microbiome.
UK: I got absorbed into the trend of fast food due to the lack of time and cheaper cost, lots of cereal for breakfast which depleted my body from minerals, lots of snacking as a substitute for a meal when in a rush, exposed to the mass industrial food coming from Tesco, Sainsbury, Waitrose or other greenhouses, slaughterhouses which we know that are speeding the natural growth cycle, are full of pesticides, antibiotics, chemicals, and are always available regardless which season.
3. Sunlight
It is the best source to boost vitamin D production in our bodies.
Home: We have 4 proper seasons and the sun shines through the clear sky all year round. Working less time and having a shorter commute time, it meant I got to spend more time outdoors in the sun.
UK: It has 2 seasons which could be spring and autumn. The sky is clouded most of the year and rarely warm and sunny. I constantly need to take vitamin D supplements. I checked to buy a SAD light for 10.000 LUX to lift my seasonal mood disorder.
4. Healthy sleep
During the night the body produces melatonin which helps the body to relax and regenerate. However, when we get distracted by blue light, sleep at late hours and not enough hours, then the melatonin production is restricted, and the production of cortisol which is a stress hormone starts being produced instead which affects our health and mental sharpness, mood, and physical tonus and energy. Stephen Ilardi gives us some tips on how to get better sleep.
- Ideally is to sleep 7-8h each night
- Get up and go to bed at the same time each day
- The bed is only for sleep and not vice-versa
- No bright light screen within 1h f bedtime
- No caffeine/stimulants within 1h of sleep
- Cultivate a tired body and a quiet mind
Home: I used to sleep a lot more and had a deep sleep often, but maybe this was because I was at a young age when there were fewer worries.
UK: The work-life was very stressful, with longer hours for work and commute, and less free time for personal life and ambitions.
5. Anti-ruminative activity
Again here are a few steps by Stephen Ilardi on how to achieve the ending of rumination.
a) Notice rumination in real-time
b) Decide to shift focus
c) Redirect attention elsewhere:
- social interaction (shared activity)
- engaging in a solo activity
- change context to prime other thoughts
- express gratitude
Home: Life was more simple with less reason to ruminate. I had my family's and friends' support.
UK: I was alone, with pressure from work, with no deep friendships, expensive transport, expensive life, activities, living with strangers in a shared house which that added different reasons for reflection, introspection, analysis-paralysis, and rumination.
6. Social connection
We are social animals and we need the support of our tribe to survive.
In hunter-gatherer societies, itis vitally impossible to survive without the support of the entire clan.
Today most of the people have no close friends
Many people in the modern era lack a sense of true belonging and community
Here are some social connection principles by Stephen Ilardi
- Resist the urge to withdraw
- Prioritize shared activity with loved ones, friends
- Avoid co-rumination
- Pets can be an important resource
- Belong, faith community, kindred spirits
Home: I had my tribe, my group of friends that I grew up with, that I went to school with, that I lived in the neighborhood with, my family and all were there to support me at all times, they were my support tribe.
UK: I am alone, with a drink or work friends, with which I have no real connection and intimacy. In a multicultural city like London, people come and go and I learned to detach from people and got more and more shallow friendships. I have not found many genuine people who were interested in being vulnerable, warm, kind and open to others, or having the willingness of learning more about me. I felt as if I intruded when I wanted to create a sort of bond with people. I was told by some that I get involved too much. This is when I became more reserved and distant.
If you are interested to try the same here is what I did:
Sources:
Enneagram Test - (free)
Value Profile Test - ($6.95)
Seasonal Affective Disorder: More Than Just the Winter Blues
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